Alex's Funeral

Alex's funeral was kept about two weeks after his death. It took so long time because of the post mortem. We drove together with my aunt to my parents' place. I still remember to this day, that when we started to drive and switched on the radio "Don't Speak" by No Doubt was playing. Every time when I hear that song, still takes me back to that day.

The moment when I saw my parents was heartbreaking. First of all, they looked that they have aged 10 years in a month, they seemed so small and so fragile. I ran to my mothers arms and we were just helplessly crying on each others arms. My father was very serious, but quiet. I had talked with him on the phone the other day, he had been crying then. He was also telling me that there is no reason for him to live anymore. I almost shouted at him "What about me?! Am I not a good reason?" He did not answer, but calmed down. I assured him, that I need him and he has to stay alive for me.

In the morning of the funeral I felt really sick in my stomach, there was a point that I thought I won't make it to the chapel. I remember that just before we left from home, my dad gave my mom and me sedatives, which would make it easier to handle our emotions in the funeral. Lately, I have wondered if this was really wise thing to do - would I have had clearer memories of the service if I hadn't taken any drugs?

The chapel was full of people, old and young, relatives and friends and almost everyone was crying throughout the ceremony. I don't recall much what the priest said, however there is one sentence I remember. He said something like "The devil won't get you!" He sounded almost like an exorcist, which made me feel scared. I was crying, I felt so cold and was my body was literally shaking so badly that it was difficult for me to sit on the wooden chapel bench. I was sitting between my mother and Peter and they both were trying to hold me still.

In my country, there is a tradition that the funeral guests bring flowers to the casket and say a little poem/quote which is somehow matching to the person who passed away or/and the circumstances. Somehow I managed to get myself together for that moment when it was my turn to bring my flowers ( a huge bouquet of long stemmed dark red roses) and say my poem which went something like this " Fall asleep for the scent of flowers, fall asleep for the sound of birds, fall asleep for the teenage dreams, fall asleep for the spring aspirations." I was sobbing, but I managed to do it anyhow. I also added in the end " I will always miss you Alex" and touched the casket softly. It was devastating to see my parents, my grandparents and Alex's friends to walk to the casket and say their verses. So much crying, so many tears.
 
 When the ceremony was finally over in the chapel, we went outside to bury Alex. My father, my grandfather, uncle, and three Alex's friends were carrying the casket. It was a a beautiful, sunny spring day. The sun was shining, but there was still a lot of snow left however. The scene was exactly the same as I had seen in my nightmares earlier. It was so hard to see them carrying him and finally burying him. When the casket was in the grave I threw one more red rose on his casket and whispered "Bye, bye Alex. I love you."

There was a memorial directly after Alex's funeral, but I don't have any memories of that. I can not remember a single thing or word what was said there. I heard later on that Alex's best friends had driven (illegally) after the memorial to his grave and played were loudly his favorite song for him one more time. I thought that was a very sweet thing to do.

Questions And What Ifs

The days after Alex's death went in haze.I was crying all the time and was waiting for the night to come that I could go to sleep and escape the reality. The nights were my savior. The mornings were my enemy.

There were so many questions and what ifs left.

Was it really a suicide or was it an accident? Like I told in my previous post Alex had told his "girlfriend" that the gun was not loaded. Did he lie to her or did he forget that he had loaded the gun? According to the police's investigation it was a suicide. They found out in Alex's postmortem that he had been drunk, but not under any drugs. They also found out that there was something wrong with his lungs, maybe early stages of lung cancer.

Would Alex still be alive if his friends would not have called him and asked him to come back to the party? Or was he planning to do it anyway, maybe at home? Or what would have happened, if those friends he had tried to call would have been at home?

If Alex was suicidal why he had wanted to stop smoking? Why did he have a haircut? Why was he so excited about his summer job? If he had wanted to die, would he really had energy and interest to all those things?

Did Alex get his idea about a suicide from me? I was the one who was talking with him about suicide and telling him that he should not ever do anything to himself. Did I plant these thoughts to his mind as some kind of option for escaping his troubles? I've also been questioning if I had been even closer with him, maybe he had opened up more with me about things that were bothering him. Maybe I could have helped him to deal with his feelings. Additionally, I blamed myself that I did not protect him better from my father's negative behavior.

Did Alex really have an intention to kill his friend(s)? Or did he take his gun just to show off and threaten them? Alex had never been violent person, the opposite. Did he panic when he heard that the police were coming and due that the only way out was to kill himself? Did he realize that in what kind of trouble he had been if the police caught him?

Was Alex in some kind of psychosis? His friends had told the police that he sounded different and did not even look like himself? Had he lost his mind that night?

The hardest question for me however was that would Alex still be alive if he had a more understanding and supporting father? And I must admit, that for years and years I was convinced that this was the case. I blamed my father for everything that happened. I never said it to him face to face, because I knew it would kill him to hear that. But in a way I think he knew what I thought. And I think he blamed himself as well. There was one incident which actually proves that. Couple of years after Alex's death my father was insisting that I should start to drive a car again (I had had a minor accident and after that I was afraid to drive). I told him, that I won't drive, because I'm scared that something will happen. I also added that how would he feel that I start to drive because he asked me and then I would got in a serious accident? His answer was breathtaking: "Are you saying that ALSO your death would be my fault?". I was speechless and we never talked about it anymore.

All these questions, what ifs and blames where haunting me for years and years. The last matter about my father was haunting me over 10 years. All my family was however sure about one thing. If somebody had to die in that night, it had to be Alex. It's an awful thing to say, but still it's better that he took his own life than no-one's else's.