Alex's Funeral

Alex's funeral was kept about two weeks after his death. It took so long time because of the post mortem. We drove together with my aunt to my parents' place. I still remember to this day, that when we started to drive and switched on the radio "Don't Speak" by No Doubt was playing. Every time when I hear that song, still takes me back to that day.

The moment when I saw my parents was heartbreaking. First of all, they looked that they have aged 10 years in a month, they seemed so small and so fragile. I ran to my mothers arms and we were just helplessly crying on each others arms. My father was very serious, but quiet. I had talked with him on the phone the other day, he had been crying then. He was also telling me that there is no reason for him to live anymore. I almost shouted at him "What about me?! Am I not a good reason?" He did not answer, but calmed down. I assured him, that I need him and he has to stay alive for me.

In the morning of the funeral I felt really sick in my stomach, there was a point that I thought I won't make it to the chapel. I remember that just before we left from home, my dad gave my mom and me sedatives, which would make it easier to handle our emotions in the funeral. Lately, I have wondered if this was really wise thing to do - would I have had clearer memories of the service if I hadn't taken any drugs?

The chapel was full of people, old and young, relatives and friends and almost everyone was crying throughout the ceremony. I don't recall much what the priest said, however there is one sentence I remember. He said something like "The devil won't get you!" He sounded almost like an exorcist, which made me feel scared. I was crying, I felt so cold and was my body was literally shaking so badly that it was difficult for me to sit on the wooden chapel bench. I was sitting between my mother and Peter and they both were trying to hold me still.

In my country, there is a tradition that the funeral guests bring flowers to the casket and say a little poem/quote which is somehow matching to the person who passed away or/and the circumstances. Somehow I managed to get myself together for that moment when it was my turn to bring my flowers ( a huge bouquet of long stemmed dark red roses) and say my poem which went something like this " Fall asleep for the scent of flowers, fall asleep for the sound of birds, fall asleep for the teenage dreams, fall asleep for the spring aspirations." I was sobbing, but I managed to do it anyhow. I also added in the end " I will always miss you Alex" and touched the casket softly. It was devastating to see my parents, my grandparents and Alex's friends to walk to the casket and say their verses. So much crying, so many tears.
 
 When the ceremony was finally over in the chapel, we went outside to bury Alex. My father, my grandfather, uncle, and three Alex's friends were carrying the casket. It was a a beautiful, sunny spring day. The sun was shining, but there was still a lot of snow left however. The scene was exactly the same as I had seen in my nightmares earlier. It was so hard to see them carrying him and finally burying him. When the casket was in the grave I threw one more red rose on his casket and whispered "Bye, bye Alex. I love you."

There was a memorial directly after Alex's funeral, but I don't have any memories of that. I can not remember a single thing or word what was said there. I heard later on that Alex's best friends had driven (illegally) after the memorial to his grave and played were loudly his favorite song for him one more time. I thought that was a very sweet thing to do.