Early years Part 1 Mommy's Confidant

Where does my story start?

I have always told people that my childhood was a happy one and I have believed that myself as well. But was it? For sure my childhood was safe and in many ways happy. We did many mice things together as family (sports, traveling, visiting friends) and I always knew that my parents loved me.  Only now, when I have started to analyze my past more I have come to understand that there were some issues in my childhood actually that were not that perfect as I wanted to believe.

I grew up in a small town, in a middle class family. My dad was a general doctor and my mother was an accountant. I got a little brother Alex when I was 5 years old and a dog Max when I was 10. We lived in a nice and safe neighborhood with lots of families and children around.

So, from the outside everything was perfect. But there was something that was not even close to thatt, the constant battle between my parents. I'm not 100% sure of the reasons why the relationship between my parents was so difficult, but my best guess would be that my father had other woman/women. He was a handsome, charismatic man and also well aware of that. My mother used to complain so much about him to me: "Your father is lazy, difficult and arrogant".  "If you'd ever known what your father has done you would understand me". I was her confidant, the person she poured her negative feelings when she was angry or miserable. She gave me repeatedly those little hints how bad person my dad is and how tired she is to live with such a person.  She was also openly nagging at him about his laziness (my dad was working hard, but at home he hardly did any household chores) and how difficult person he is to live with. Sometimes my mother was openly threatening to leave us - She never did. My father on the other hand, has never said a bad word about my mother, ever.

It's actually really weird, that only now when I'm 40 I have let myself to admit, that my mother was really unfair.  Of course I understand how hard it must have been to live with my father if he was unfaithful and how angry and humiliated she must have felt. But still, pouring it all to your child, that was not definitely right.  I was so used to her behavior that I did not even question it back then, it was a normal life to me. And I must say, that even though my mother was nagging almost constantly about my father, she was a very loving and caring mother for me and my brother.

There has been a long time in my life that I have hated my father from the bottom of my heart. And only now I have started to question was my hate so strong towards him partially because of what my mother did through my childhood? Or was it just because of what kind of person my father was (I will write more about him soon), and how I so long time blamed him about a terrible tragedy what happened to my family later on? I don't know really, maybe my hate was a combination of those two.